CSI: Bench You Can’t Guess What Happened Here

Happening upon a potential crime scene on my way to official mayoral duties.

Happening upon a potential crime scene on my way to official mayoral duties.

Something very strange has happened here in Long Grove. It is a mystery without an answer. I am writing about this today, in hopes that one of my blog readers will be able to provide the Village with some insight into what really occurred.

The Crime Scene:  Archer parking lot, on a beautiful Saturday morning following Apple Fest. In town to participate in a ceremonial ribbon cutting for a new business, I happened on a scene of utter destruction. One of our municipal park benches had been totally dismantled; yanked out of the brick foundation by an unseen force. Was it local vandals or something more sinister? We just don’t know.

The Evidence:  Twisted metal spikes and wooden bench slats laying askew. I did notice a slight lingering odor of cotton candy, and traces of rainbow colored fur caught on the rough edges of some boards. In addition, strange hoof prints were noticed in the adjacent landscape beds. Upon closer inspection, animal droppings of a curious sort were present, dusted with a glittery sparkle. Unicorns? Samples were gathered and sent to the lab for analysis.

Afraid that I would be late for my mayoral duties, I continued on to the ribbon cutting. After interviewing several merchants, I learned that a family of giant ogres had been recently spotted taking up residence underneath our covered bridge. Could they have also seized our bench and accidentally reduced it to a pile of toothpicks? I wonder…

On my way back to the car I passed by the scene again and took another closer look. It was then that I discovered several crushed and limp shamrocks littering the crime scene, and an empty, cracked “pot o’gold” discarded off to one side of the parking lot. Could leprechauns be the culprit here? I contacted the Lake County Sheriff to file an unusual incident report.

First thing Monday morning our crack investigative team from the Ela Township road crew arrived to stabilize the situation. Potential alien DNA was spotted and reported to the authorities. Still, no definitive answers. The bench was reassembled and now seems to be giving off lesser amounts of radiation.

The Conclusion:  We haven’t got a clue. And if this seems a bit far fetched, April Fools! But we still have no idea what really happened to our bench.